Just saying no to Star Jones, Wal-Mart, and family holiday aggro

It's a good job I'm not a Barbie collector, because I'd be going against my sense of social justice and buying up all 24 of those Zodiac Barbies on the Wal-Mart website. They're fabulous. Danny and I were just looking at them, oohing and aahing over the ones we liked. I've got to tell myself to calm down, that I don't need them. Besides that, Barbies take up more space than books. And I'm not that impressed with the Aquarius Barbie, to be honest. She's nice, but honey, she's no Capricorn Barbie, whose ice blonde sparkle holds more than a hint of sensual promise. Or the African-American Leo Barbie, looking almost confectionary in hot pink, like she belongs on top of a birthday cake. Hell, she's welcome to come popping out of my cake anytime, only if she strips down to a matching hot pink bikini and boa. No, wait a minute. Star Jones already had someone do that, at her own reception after last week's wedding to that lavender cover-up of hers.

Shudder. Did I say that? Oh, dear Christ. This is what I get for reading Page Six every morning, the price I pay for hoping to reel in salacious tidbits on various luminaries. You have to troll through a lot of muck to get to the good stuff, which is likely just "bad P.R." coughed up by the reps of those whose very names land in the columns. Star Jones just happened to come up, after she supposedly got into it with a couple of her colleagues on "The View" one morning. One supposedly brought in a camera after being told no cameras were allowed, and another one who did something really innocuous that pissed "Bridezilla" off. Still, I can't believe someone hasn't yet harpooned this pitiful excuse for a spiteful, Beluga-sized human bitch. Hopefully one of her "View" colleagues will step up to the plate, and it'll be broadcast live across the national airwaves, making the Janet Jackson nip-slip and the Monday Night Football/"Desperate Housewives" hullabaloo look like Sunday morning with "Davey and Goliath." In my dreams, it'll be something that makes ABC wish for something as simple as that "Saving Private Ryan" controversy again, something akin to "Gladiator."

Back to the Barbies, though, I really do wish they'd come out with the Hot Latina and Asian Babe Zodiac Barbies now. When will the geniuses at Wal-Mart and Mattel realize that there's an audience for this stuff? This could also totally be their last big shot at community outreach, in hopes that everyone will forget they're exploiting these very same people working in their stores, barely surviving on minimum wage and no benefits - or hope for any, either.

So yeah, no matter how beautiful the dolls are, I'll just enjoy them from afar. I've never been overboard for Barbie, anyway; I might have been as a child, but always ended up cutting their hair and taking them in the bath with me.

Another point was recently driven home about why I just can't do Wal-Mart in any way, shape, or form, too. Enough has already been said about certain policies they have, and I'm not trying to sound like some snotty-ass, elitist piece of pretentious piss here – but we were totally creeped out, less than overjoyed by our last Super Wal-Mart experience. It was almost like we needed a shower when we got home.

We ended up there out of sheer laziness, my man and I, one Sunday afternoon not too long ago. The moment we walked in, we were suddenly assaulted with the sight of McDonald's and that fucking clown. We looked at each other like, "You sure you want to shop here?" and shrugged dumbly, as we were swept along with the horde of shoppers.

The place was a madhouse. People rushing around with their twelve kids in tow, wheezing and whining as they descended on the samples of that unpasteurized queso blanco - the kind you always hear about when the Department of Health issues an alert on an outbreak of some bizarre strain of hideous intestinal funk; and slow-as-Christmas cashiers who could care less that they've just spent the last five minutes ignoring you, talking amongst themselves about the bitch who works over on aisle five.

Basically, we did our shopping in a record twenty-five minutes, stood in line for another fifteen, and practically ran screaming from the place. It had been three years since we'd last been in a Wal-Mart. Now we understand why.

Hence, no special edition Wal-Mart Barbies for me tonight. Even their 88-cent music downloads can kiss my ass – I'd rather give iTunes that extra 11 cents, anyway.



For those dreading the upcoming, uneasy holiday exhanges with differently-minded family folk, my friend Sibylle has come up with some "house rules." I suppose you could also do the reverse with the resulting fines, if yours is a Republican household...


HOUSE RULES FOR THANKSGIVING VISIT –

There will be NO talk of the election results, politics in general, or religion. Any instance of mentioning of any such subject will cost $ 1.00

Election result gloating will be $ 5.00 per episode. Victory dances will be $ 10.00 apiece. Half price on everything for children under 14. Curious questions from children are free and will be answered.

The resulting cash will be sent to Democratic Party Headquarters or to MoveOn.org.

Please keep this in mind when planning your visit. We want everybody to enjoy this holiday season in peace. Irreconcilable differences of opinion or philosophy will have to be camouflaged for the sake of general harmony. In other words: stifle it!

Watch out for costly "leaks" after consuming large quantities of wine or cranberry juice and vodka.


The Management.