The No, You Can't Watch 2005
The champagne's chilling, and hopefully the Moon won't be in Caca by the time midnight rolls around on the 31st. Alas, no fireworks, due to the burn ban and Texas being a virtual tinderbox, but lord only knows we've seen plenty of 'em this year already. And on that happy note, I present you with The No, You Can't Watch 2005:
Men of The Year - The Two Johns: John Murtha and John Jones. These two Pennsylvanians have done more to warm my heart this year than whiskers on diapered baby chimpanzees being fed bottles. Let's face it, Congressman John Murtha has seen the realities of war up and close and personal. Don't know about y'all, but it seems a decorated veteran's take on Iraq might hold more water than that of someone who spent the Vietnam years at frat parties, never showing up for their Texas and Alabama Air National Guard duties. Meanwhile, John Jones is the GWB-appointed judge who ruled that 'Intelligent Design' is "a religious view" and "a mere re-labeling of creationism," and should not be taught in Dover, PA schools. Amen. So far, much to the dismay of Pat Robertson, the city has not erupted into a flaming fireball.
Woman of the Year - Kate Moss. From 'Cocaine Kate' to 'Comeback Kate,' she'll be at the top of her game for years to come. Why, it seems like only yesterday when she first caught the eye of the American public, posing topless in that Calvin Klein ad with Mark Wahlberg, back when he was Marky Mark and she was a 14-year-old from Croydon. And yeah, she's skinny. So sue her, and tell me who else could manage to stay above it all while inadvertently and elegantly holding a cigarette in one hand, and two fingers up with the other? Her colorful, controversial career has sold truckloads of magazines - the same ones whose covers and headlines screamed with delight when some leechy, scabby ass-clown sold his camera-phone photos of her cutting up lines on a CD jewel case. Personally, I expect nothing less of my supermodels and can't wait until she writes her own memoirs (and includes the Polaroids, too). Why have I taken it upon myself to preach the gospel of Don't be Hatin' on Kate here? Because she's human. Because she's all about sex and drugs and rock and roll. Because she might've had carnal knowledge of Daniel Craig at one time, the lucky girl. And because through her, we live out our Anita Pallenberg dreams, harking back to the time when all it took was a single photograph in Vogue to launch a thousand fantasies and aspirations - back when women like Anita and Talitha Getty took that blend of class, trash and decadence to a whole new level. Kate takes us back, man.
Couple of the Year - Bill and Melinda Gates. $1 billion on the way for HIV/AIDS prevention, and the eradication of malaria, malnutrition and other diseases afflicting those in the world's poorest countries? Now that's what I call philanthropy.
Tools of the Year - Kenneth Tomlinson, Tom DeLay, and those who claimed responsibility for the 7/7 London bombings. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a three-way tie this year. Tomlinson may have resigned but he's still a festering phukktard for the mess he's made of the CPB. Tom DeLay has yet to develop a conscience or a sense of decency, and will hopefully be frog-marched out of Washington or be thrown into the Potomac - in front of crowds of cheering spectators. And those who planned the London attacks should be rounded up with the Doomsday fundamentalists here in the States so we can banish them all to Diego Garcia or some godforsaken Pacific atoll, where they can play 'The Crusades' until they're blue in the face and eventually pluck each other off.
The 'They Didn't Do That, Did They?' Award - This year, it's all about Hurricane Katrina, and the award will be split among the following: the news networks who used Fats Domino's "Walking To New Orleans" while showing footage of people trying to make their way out of town on the non-submerged stretches of I-10; Michael "Brownie, You're Doing A Heckuva Job" Brown, who should still be ashamed of himself; and that panel of NOLA musicians, writers and organizers on the GMS who laughed off an emailer's concern that no one could be bothered to acknowledge Louis Prima's place in the musical tapestry of New Orleans.
Big, Burning Question That Went Unanswered This Year - Daddy, what happened to the "W '04" sticker that used to be on your car?
The Flick That Should've Seen Boffo Box Office Numbers But Didn't - The Constant Gardener. For those who left Syriana and Munich, scratching their heads and wondering, "Is that all there is to a political thriller?" - this is truly the one that got away in 2005. I'm keeping my fingers, eyes and toes crossed in hopes that this gets some attention when Oscar time comes around, because director Fernando Meirelles (City of God) serves the paranoiac vibes up piping hot, and there's some spot-on chemistry between Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz. Cinematographer César Charlone was nominated in 2004 for City of God, and I wouldn't be shocked to hear if there's a nomination in store for him for The Constant Gardener, either. You just have to see it for yourself.
Ear-Tickling Essentials - "The Kick and The Snare" by the Deathray Davies; "Road To Rouen" by Supergrass; "Achtung Bono" by Half Man Half Biscuit; "Dread More Dan Dead" by Ari Up; "Gold Sounds" by James Carter, Cyrus Chestnut, Ali Jackson and Reginald Veal; and "Put The 'O' Back In Country" by Shooter Jennings.
Boob Tube Guilty Pleasures - "Everybody Hates Chris" and Comedy Central's Pamela Anderson Celebrity Roast.
Heartfelt Goodbyes - Glenn Mitchell. Link Wray. Ibrahim Ferrer. Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown. Robert Moog. Ossie Davis. Richard Pryor. Johnny Carson. Nipsey Russell. Don Adams. Peter Jennings. Hunter S. Thompson. Rafik Hariri. Arthur Miller. Shirley Horn. Anne Bancroft. Barbara Bel Geddes.
Men of The Year - The Two Johns: John Murtha and John Jones. These two Pennsylvanians have done more to warm my heart this year than whiskers on diapered baby chimpanzees being fed bottles. Let's face it, Congressman John Murtha has seen the realities of war up and close and personal. Don't know about y'all, but it seems a decorated veteran's take on Iraq might hold more water than that of someone who spent the Vietnam years at frat parties, never showing up for their Texas and Alabama Air National Guard duties. Meanwhile, John Jones is the GWB-appointed judge who ruled that 'Intelligent Design' is "a religious view" and "a mere re-labeling of creationism," and should not be taught in Dover, PA schools. Amen. So far, much to the dismay of Pat Robertson, the city has not erupted into a flaming fireball.
Woman of the Year - Kate Moss. From 'Cocaine Kate' to 'Comeback Kate,' she'll be at the top of her game for years to come. Why, it seems like only yesterday when she first caught the eye of the American public, posing topless in that Calvin Klein ad with Mark Wahlberg, back when he was Marky Mark and she was a 14-year-old from Croydon. And yeah, she's skinny. So sue her, and tell me who else could manage to stay above it all while inadvertently and elegantly holding a cigarette in one hand, and two fingers up with the other? Her colorful, controversial career has sold truckloads of magazines - the same ones whose covers and headlines screamed with delight when some leechy, scabby ass-clown sold his camera-phone photos of her cutting up lines on a CD jewel case. Personally, I expect nothing less of my supermodels and can't wait until she writes her own memoirs (and includes the Polaroids, too). Why have I taken it upon myself to preach the gospel of Don't be Hatin' on Kate here? Because she's human. Because she's all about sex and drugs and rock and roll. Because she might've had carnal knowledge of Daniel Craig at one time, the lucky girl. And because through her, we live out our Anita Pallenberg dreams, harking back to the time when all it took was a single photograph in Vogue to launch a thousand fantasies and aspirations - back when women like Anita and Talitha Getty took that blend of class, trash and decadence to a whole new level. Kate takes us back, man.
Couple of the Year - Bill and Melinda Gates. $1 billion on the way for HIV/AIDS prevention, and the eradication of malaria, malnutrition and other diseases afflicting those in the world's poorest countries? Now that's what I call philanthropy.
Tools of the Year - Kenneth Tomlinson, Tom DeLay, and those who claimed responsibility for the 7/7 London bombings. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a three-way tie this year. Tomlinson may have resigned but he's still a festering phukktard for the mess he's made of the CPB. Tom DeLay has yet to develop a conscience or a sense of decency, and will hopefully be frog-marched out of Washington or be thrown into the Potomac - in front of crowds of cheering spectators. And those who planned the London attacks should be rounded up with the Doomsday fundamentalists here in the States so we can banish them all to Diego Garcia or some godforsaken Pacific atoll, where they can play 'The Crusades' until they're blue in the face and eventually pluck each other off.
The 'They Didn't Do That, Did They?' Award - This year, it's all about Hurricane Katrina, and the award will be split among the following: the news networks who used Fats Domino's "Walking To New Orleans" while showing footage of people trying to make their way out of town on the non-submerged stretches of I-10; Michael "Brownie, You're Doing A Heckuva Job" Brown, who should still be ashamed of himself; and that panel of NOLA musicians, writers and organizers on the GMS who laughed off an emailer's concern that no one could be bothered to acknowledge Louis Prima's place in the musical tapestry of New Orleans.
Big, Burning Question That Went Unanswered This Year - Daddy, what happened to the "W '04" sticker that used to be on your car?
The Flick That Should've Seen Boffo Box Office Numbers But Didn't - The Constant Gardener. For those who left Syriana and Munich, scratching their heads and wondering, "Is that all there is to a political thriller?" - this is truly the one that got away in 2005. I'm keeping my fingers, eyes and toes crossed in hopes that this gets some attention when Oscar time comes around, because director Fernando Meirelles (City of God) serves the paranoiac vibes up piping hot, and there's some spot-on chemistry between Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz. Cinematographer César Charlone was nominated in 2004 for City of God, and I wouldn't be shocked to hear if there's a nomination in store for him for The Constant Gardener, either. You just have to see it for yourself.
Ear-Tickling Essentials - "The Kick and The Snare" by the Deathray Davies; "Road To Rouen" by Supergrass; "Achtung Bono" by Half Man Half Biscuit; "Dread More Dan Dead" by Ari Up; "Gold Sounds" by James Carter, Cyrus Chestnut, Ali Jackson and Reginald Veal; and "Put The 'O' Back In Country" by Shooter Jennings.
Boob Tube Guilty Pleasures - "Everybody Hates Chris" and Comedy Central's Pamela Anderson Celebrity Roast.
Heartfelt Goodbyes - Glenn Mitchell. Link Wray. Ibrahim Ferrer. Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown. Robert Moog. Ossie Davis. Richard Pryor. Johnny Carson. Nipsey Russell. Don Adams. Peter Jennings. Hunter S. Thompson. Rafik Hariri. Arthur Miller. Shirley Horn. Anne Bancroft. Barbara Bel Geddes.
posted by No, You Can't Watch at 8:56 PM
1 Comments:
Happy 2006, Sister Sledge! Here's to another year of Mascorrolandia goodness!
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