Brett Somers, RIP

Caustic, irreverent, and a self-declared Bohemian

I'll drink to that. God bless Brett Somers.

My brother and sister had Captain Kangaroo. I had The Match Game. Thank you, Jeebuz!

Go see it, like right now: David Cronenberg's 'Eastern Promises'

OK, I'm delighted to report that my jones for seedy London underbelly flicks has has been fulfilled for the season. Eastern Promises jammed the axe of my cinematic expectations. Hardly surprising, since it was written by Steven Knight, the man responsible for that other seedy London noir fave of mine, Dirty Pretty Things. Score!

Naomi Watts plays Anna, a hospital mid-wife of Russian heritage who pockets the diary of a 14-year-old Russian sex slave, who's just died after giving birth to a baby girl. Obsessed with finding out all she can about the dead girl, Anna goes about trying to find a translator for the diary - going first to her drunken uncle, who grudgingly goes about the task while warning her not to get involved, and to the mobster/Russian restaurateur, played by Armin Mueller-Stahl, whose business card Anna finds stuck between some pages in the girl's diary, and whose interest goes from fatherly to deadly when he discovers that Anna has possession of the journal, containing many a lurid detail hitting a little too close to home, some involving his sloshed, pitiful excuse for a murderous son. How 'bout some love for Vincent Cassel, y'all?!

Enter Viggo Mortensen as the tattooed, icy-eyed Nikolai, the mob family's driver, undertaker, and up-and-comer. He's a soft-spoken man whose entire past and future is inked onto his skin in a series of intricate images, words and numbers, and whether he's methodically chopping off fingertips or trying to start a motorbike, he's a charming automaton, so sharp it hurts to look at him. When Anna starts showing up at the restaurant and asking questions, and the blood starts to flow in a spate of retribution and revenge, Nikolai has to somehow keep straight the various worlds he inhabits, as his loyalty's tested and his true nature can never be revealed. Nikolai is a brute, and a beaut.

And yes, the fight scene is everything they say it is - absolutely bloody brilliant.


UPDATE: The UK Independent has kindly offered up some validation for us film fans who like our London a little on the sleazy, sad side. Bless...


OTHERS WE CAN'T WAIT TO SEE:

Nothing Is Private. Six Feet Under creator Alan Ball's adaptation of Alicia Erian's novel, Towelhead, freshly screened at the Toronto International Film Fest. Roll on, release date! If anyone can pull this off, it's Alan Ball. Trust. Towelhead is one of the most courageous, unsettling, and poignant coming-of-age novels ever; I gobbled it up in a matter of a single night, and re-read it again the next day - transfixed by the ease and structure, amused, shattered and horrified, all at the same time. And it sounds like Alan Ball's treatment could be utter greatness, especially if FOX's Roger Friedman is going out of his way to trash it. Rock on.

No Country For Old Men. The Coen Brothers are back, this time with the story of a ruthless West Texas drug dealer, played by the one and only Javier Bardem, the only actor on the planet whose bowl cut makes ya wanna get down on your knees. His other appearance in Goya's Ghosts will hopefully bring on some Javi-love come Oscar time. An incredible talent, and easy on the eyes. Also starring the incomparable Tommy Lee Jones and Woody Harrelson. Hell yeah, Mama'll definitely be shelling out some money for this one on opening weekend.

Stuck. Based on the voluptuous horror of Chante Mallard, the Fort Worth nurse's aide who struck a man as she was driving intoxicated and drove home with him still stuck in her windshield, rather than stopping and rendering aid. For three days, she left him stuck in her windshield in her garage, as he pleaded with her to take him to a hospital, to no avail. This one stars Mena Suvari as the Windshield Killah and Stephen Rea as Tom, her victim, and is being pitched as a trashy black comedy/thriller. The locale has also been changed from Fort Worth to Providence, R.I. Fort Worth's definitely been home to a few weird fuckers. Remember Cullen Davis? Everybody from Cowtown has a Cullen Davis story. What's yours?

The Kingdom. Mid-East intrigue, as if everyday reality isn't horrible enough. But the trailer had me from the beginning, what with Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Chris Cooper and Jason Bateman coming off like a sexed-up undercover version of the Super Friends gone to Saudi, opening up endless cans of whoop-ass on the bearded baddies and letting the world know there's more where that came from.

Redacted. Produced by HDNet. Thank you, Todd Wagner and Mark Cuban. Thank you, Brian De Palma. Thank you, Easter Bunny. I was wondering when the first round of Gulf War II flicks would be coming along. Apparently this one has already pissed some people off, which only means the filmmaker's doing his job, right? We shall see...

What to do when your love of loud goes and backfires on you?

Facing up to reality is not one of my strongest suits: a friend’s illness, thank-you cards that should’ve been written a year ago, the uncontrollable urge to freak out and flee to Spain – and on top of all that, hearing that’s been disappearing for quite some time now. It’s one of the hazards of being a music lover and my job, and it’s been like this as far back as I can remember – the higher the decibel level, the better I feel. Noise never annoyed me, although it made for a great Buzzcocks song.

But when The Slits blazed through Austin during last November’s tour, I wore my first-ever set of earplugs to a show. I came away from the whole experience feeling oh-so grown-up and responsible for once, but at the gym the following Monday, had the iPod shuffle cranked up so loud that the girl on the next bike was alarmed enough to let me know she could hear it the whole time. Not cool.

And as they say, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. Tinnitus and trying to convince myself that most people mutter during conversations are only a couple of the clues I need that now might be the time to start reading up on hearing aids. So if I come across the names of any hearing aid companies who market to 30-something idjits like me whose love of loud, hard and fast has done its number on our little ears, by all means, I'll pass them along.


MASCORROLANDIA’S LOUD-ASS HIT PARADE 2007


Black Sabbath – Jack The Stripper/Fairies Wear Boots

Foo Fighters – Down In The Park

Gogol Bordello – Start Wearing Purple

Calvin Harris – Vegas

The Dirtbombs – Got To Give It Up

The Yardbirds – Over, Under, Sideways, Down

Mott the Hoople – All The Way From Memphis

David Bowie – Width of a Circle

Magazine – Shot By Both Sides

Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good

Fountains of Wayne - Someone To Love

Gerry Rafferty – Baker Street

Motorhead – God Save The Queen

Freestylers with Sir Real – Fast Life