Eliminating cultural bankruptcy in 2005

After scoring embarrassingly high on today's New York Daily News "Do You Know Your 2004 Gossip?" quiz, the first (and probably only) New Years resolution I'm making is to bring myself out of cultural bankruptcy. Seriously. When I know whose party Tara Reid was attending when that festering, surgically-mangled nipple popped out of her gown, or which rap mogul's wife got busted for reckless driving and forgetting to leave her stash at home, then I know I definitely need to take up a more productive hobby, like scrapbooking or knitting.

Yeah, right. Everyone knows I live for this shit, so here's to a tawdry, trashy 2005 - full of soused starlets, star-fuckers and those who love them. I'll try to squeeze in a few New York Times bestsellers if I can, and maybe knit some booties for a few of the expectant women around the office, but no promises.

If you've been sitting around thinking about how your Christmas sucked...

...at least you weren't hit by a fucking wall of water traveling at 50 mph.

http://www.redcross.org/

http://www.msf.org/

http://www.careinternational.org

http://www.ifrc.org/


Music currently soothing the savage beast, serving as my pick of the week:

Neko Case and The Sadies - Jeezus K. Rist. I haven't shaken my ass this hard in a month of Sundays. As a holiday present to yourself, just go out and buy "The Tigers Have Spoken" - if you're in the mood for some down 'n dirty, feelgood kinda twang-core, so to speak. Seriously. Get your ass to the record store and buy this, tout suite. It's a fairly short CD, but those crazy for cover versions will go positively cuckoo over these live renditions of Buffy Sainte-Marie's "Soulful Shade of Blue," "Train To Kansas City" by the Shangri-La's, and Loretta Lynn's "Rated X." There's also a smattering of Neko Case's own handiwork, including the beautifully swirling beginner, "If You Knew." Her bandmates, the Sadies, pack a powerful punch, and Jon Rauhouse's pedal steel genius is the cherry on the sundae. "The Tigers Have Spoken" and James McMurtry's "Live In Aught-Three" make 2004 a banner year for live albums. Can't wait to see what 2005 will bring.

And if only Saint Etienne would cover Linda Ronstadt and the Stone Poneys' "Different Drum..."

Meanwhile, a girl will continue to dream.

Christmas Eve 2004: We're Coming in Loaded

This has been a year of tough love, great heartache and wrenching loss. But it hasn't been all shit. As "Frankly Scarlet" by the Roches plays on the radio, I'm going to name all I'm thankful for:

My Man. Thank you, Baby. It hasn't been easy, I know. Despite the bumps in the road, words can never describe how much I love you, your heart, and your mind. With you, every day I learn something new. This year, I pray for peace and understanding between us. Love is a bitch.

Daddy and Genny. Simply put, my father fuckin' rules. And thanks to Genny for keeping the smile on his face, too.

Mom. You still know best. I know I'm a horse's ass, but I swear I'm listening.

Danny. The best damn friend anyone could ask for, not to mention musical mentor and muse. Thank you for simply being you. Your Mama done raised you right, too. You and Steven are a shining example of what's right with this world.

Mary Ann & Greg, Andrew & Aidan. My sis, her hubby, and the chilluns. "Chilluns," my ass. Andrew's 13 and 5'11. Aidan's a wise little man already. And before I forget, thanks to Mary, too. That leopard coat has been saving my hapless ass for the past week.

Paul, Margaret, & Lauren. My brother, his wife and their adorable princess, the best and most adorable niece in the world. Note to Lauren: your auntie will do her best not to encourage smart-ass behavior.

Carmen. Sister, thank you for being there, your inquisitive brain, and exquisite taste. You're someone I always learn a lot from, and your world view brings me a lot of joy.

Tifanie. Thank you for the encouragement and strength, especially when it comes to the pen. And for the wine advice. The grape wouldn't be as groovy without you and Jerry around.

My other wonderful friends. Muchas gracias to Wayne and Ricky, Brindle, Jason and Isil, Sibylle, Candi, Luke, Heather, Jody, Richard, and everyone else who lights up my world.

Ronn. Thank you for your memory, the movies, and for making such an impression on my life.

My job. Praise the almighty Kristess for public radio.

James McMurtry. Thank you for "Live in Aught-Three" and giving me hope for the future of music.

The Fickle Finger of Fate. Thank you for letting the ugly reality of the last round of layoffs pass me by this time, and for the occasional chaos and diversions that inspire and make life worth living and writing about.

My health. No explanation needed.

Abundant Mother Nature, Continual Safety and Protection for Those Who Provide. I've been blessed, and will one day start a religion based on this, patron saints and all.

Wine. Or should I just thank Bacchus?

Celexa, Klonopin, and Soma. Thanks for the only good things that ever came out of the pharmaceutical industry.

Helpful holiday tip: hangovers and fights with the boyfriend don't mix

Pardon my first ever "too-much-information" blog entry - especially the first one in weeks - but God help me, I'm going ape-shit.

Something's got to change, and soon. Can I get a restraining order against myself?

Seriously. "Please stop me before I claw this person's eyes out, Your Honor."

My brain is filled with static right now, and if I don't eat soon it'll turn into a migraine. Can you love someone and hate them in equal amounts? My inner conflict over this is about to do my head in.

Or has it already?

“I quit my 9 to 5. We're lost in music."

Thank you, Sister Sledge

I’m channelin’ Luke, man…do you feel me, Baby? Ever since those lost Denton days, I’ve yet to meet anyone so gleeful at the prospect of giving up his 9 to 5 for the disco lifestyle. Bless you. I still can’t listen to any disco song without you springing to mind, Honey.

Here’s a little “Atomic” by Sleeper for you, fitting the mood nicely.

Speaking of lost in music, for the past couple of days I’ve had my head wrapped around this little John Peel tribute I’m planning, so in the process I’ve re-introduced myself to a lot of the stuff I used to really like when I was still young and impressionable – fabulously atonal shit like the Birthday Party, the Fall, Joy Division, et al. God, that “Peel Sessions” version of “Big Jesus Trash Can” Danny sent me is much better than the one on the album Junkyard, too.

Speaking of which - did Barry Adamson play on that “Peel Sessions,” does anybody out there know? I guess I should get off my ass and check his website: http://www.barryadamson.com/

Forever Young called today and said they had my copy of the Slits’ Peel Sessions CD – the one with several previously unreleased tracks (yay!) – and a Buzzcocks Peel Sessions CD that had only 4 songs. Ah well. I don’t mind, as the song goes.

OK, this Pinot Noir is some good shit – so good that I think I’m off to bed now. Sweet dreams, free of alcohol-induced insomnia, hopefully...

Love, lust, laughs and long stretches of sleep –

G.
xoxoxoxo

P.S. Nope, I haven't forgotten. Today is my mother's birthday - she may be gone in body, but she's definitely not gone in spirit. Everybody raise their glasses to Miz Vickey - thank you!

Homeland Security Clown Ridge Resigns, Vows to Join Circus

A scared nation hides her children

WASHINGTON - U-S officials say Tom Ridge has resigned after 23 months as the nation's first Homeland Security Clown.

Officials with the Homeland Security Clown's office say Ridge fired off an email to his senior leadership team, c-c'ing the White House with the message that his talents are better suited elsewhere, and that he'll be on the road with his family and the circus. He also cited wanting to spend more time on his new faith-based organization, Kill a Klown For Krist. Ridge began the organization with Ralph Reed, his friend from the pre-Enron consulting days.

A formal announcement will be given at a news conference this afternoon, although it's not clear if Ridge will appear in his full "Calliope" makeup and costume for the last time.

Ridge became the nation's first Homeland Security Clown a month after the 9/11 attacks. He has faithfully executed six national "orange alerts" during heightened terror concerns, much to the delight of his colleagues and cohorts at Fox News, but an attack never happened on his water-squirting watch.