He's 'The Decider'

And don't you forget it!

I say let's give Paul Hipp a MacArthur Fellowship grant, his own radio talk show, a recording contract, or at the very least, we should pay his bar tabs for the next ten years. This parody is pure, spot-on genius, the kind that will warm your heart in our darkest hour. We The People - and yes, even those who were thoughtless enough to hand this guy a second term on a silver platter - deserve so much better than what we've been getting for the past six years. Now, with this song, at least we can have that laugh we so desperately need during these eeky, freaky times. Just as long as Paul McCartney doesn't flip out and break out the cease-and-desist orders. Or wait, would they have to go through Michael Jackson for that? Unless he sold his Beatles catalog to pay for his legal imbroglios and subsequent move to Bahrain...?

The worst thing about these high gas prices...

...is feeling like I'm lucky just because I went to Costco last weekend and found gas for $2.70 a gallon. Like an abused woman who's so grateful that her old man's not beating the crap out of her at the moment, that any respite from his usual brutality is something to celebrate for the moment. And here we are - breathing easy before the shit rises above the $3 mark here in Texas.

Whatever. Guess we'll just have to continue monitoring the situation in Nigeria and the U.S.-Iran pissing contest, what with oil prices hitting $72 a barrel in London today. Good grief.

Even more irritating is the 'Gas War' email I've been receiving from my right-leaning friends recently, imploring me not to buy gas from ExxonMobil, because, get this: if poor ExxonMobil isn't selling any gas, they'll somehow be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit...But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers...Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. I suggest that we not buy from EXXON/MOBIL UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

OK, lemme get this straight: if I send this to 30 friends, and they send it to 30 friends, and so on, and so on, blah blah blah, ExxonMobil's going to lower their prices?

First of all, get the phukk outta my face with that mess. So nice know that the senders of this cyber-drivel have suddenly realized that we're all taking it up the ass on this one, minus the foreplay or even the Astroglide, for that matter. Second of all, didn't anybody ever teach these people that all caps is the equivalent of 'shouting' in email? And yeah, I'm just so utterly bloody convinced that ExxonMobil would deign to lower gas prices just because a bunch of whiny-ass SUV drivers feel the need to waste precious bandwidth with their newfound "look at me, I suddenly give a shit!" armchair activist fervor. Like crocodile tears from the abusive lover who promises not to be such an prick anymore.

Yeah. Thanks, but no thanks.

Speaking of pricks, how about ExxonMobil CEO's Lee Raymond's $400 million retirement package? Gotta love that little bit of salt in the wound! You'd think that with all that dough, this pasty-faced, grossly obese pig-sluice could afford some liposuction and dental work, but I guess not. He's too busy stuffing his face with the proceeds from America's misery.

Must be nice!

Anyway, maybe it's the heat that's making me so cranky. 101 degrees in April will do that to a person. And what's up with TXU's rolling blackouts today? That's a new one on me, man. Could this mean we're now catching up with California in terms of seasonally-related colossal consumption crunches? I'm thinking of a few summers back here, when there were all those rolling blackouts in southern California, and those ass-clowns at Enron were laughing about making a mint off the power-grid purveyors and little old ladies dying of heatstroke. That still burns my bacon to this day, and the only penance I can think of for people like that and Lee Raymond would be for them to be thrown into a big-ass tankard of crude - or wait, how about a tank of $3 per gallon regular unleaded? - and right before they're about to take their last, lucid gasp, someone should toss a match in. Pffft!!! Buh-bye!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not nice of me. If she could hear me, my mother, God rest her soul, would smack my ass for that one. And true, I've probably lost a few karma points with that last quip, but ya know what? I'm OK with it for now. Compared to Lee Raymond's karmic report card, I'm perfectly content to be a C-student at this point. Trust me.

Toe-tappin' Tom DeLay news

Break out the bubbly!

Am I dreaming? Who'd have thought the Shitbag King of Sugar Land would have a moment of clarity and resign before they could frog-march him out of the House? Maybe his attorneys advised him that he'd better get the hell out of there before throngs of bitter voters could throw him in the Potomac to see if he'd float. And he he hasn't uttered the usual tired lines about wanting to spend more time with his family yet, either. What's up with that?

Hell, never mind that for now. It's time for that happy dance up and down the hall, that spastic Charlie Brown jig in front of the boob tube. When he's high-fiving staff members in a receiving line on his way out the door, you know there's trouble ahead.

Pardon the obvious pun, but could the Hammer really be headin' for the slammer? I'm hoping that Jack Abramoff and Tony Rudy truly delivered the goods this time, enough to put this Texan turd-crawler behind bars, or at the very least, fire the final bullet into his political career for good, before he can inspire any similar misdeeds and the cancerous legacy of his ilk spreads any further. If DeLay's incarcerated, no doubt it'll be a Club Fed kinda scene for him, which sucks because I was praying in earnest for some honest-to-goodness prison justice, the kind that involves warnings about not dropping the soap in the shower.

He'll probably just get a slap on the wrist, yeah, but is it true that he kept his exterminator license current? That'd be brilliant for the rest of us - he could fumigate himself out of existence and we might be inclined to forgive him for his trespasses.

And little did DeLay know that his Oscar-worthy performance at last week's "War on Christians" conference in D.C. would be the perfect pre-show entertainment for all this. Now that must've been a hoot, what with him telling his fellow flock members that their religion was 'under attack,' and even better, the dimwitted organizer comparing DeLay's legal and ethical woes to – I shit you not - the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

It's enough to make you want to break out into that variation on Jeepers Creepers: "Jeezus, pleezus, don't you come and eat us..."

And how many of these convention-goers caught wind of that 2001 email sent by indicted former DeLay minion Michael Scanlon, citing how easy it should be to snag their 'wacko' vote? "The wackos get their information through the Christian right, Christian radio, mail, the Internet and telephone trees ... Simply put, we want to bring out the wackos to vote against something and make sure the rest of the public lets the whole thing slip past them."

Charming!

Right. I'll stop gloating now, because I've got to get back to my day job, and even with this, let's face it - nothing's going to change, is it? The Democrats still have no balls, and the Republicans still have yet to develop a conscience. It's just another day in America.